What if you could wave a magic wand and just “Be Adequate” right at this moment? Let’s say for a second that it’s true, that during the current 24-hour period you meet all your standards in how you conduct yourself, how much you exercise, what you eat, and what you decide. That’s great. However, the risk remains that tomorrow you might miss the mark. There’s no certainty that you’ll live up to your standard from day to day. In this way, each day starts with a question mark and you will either meet your standard or feel bad that you failed.
Here’s an idea: Stop judging yourself. Stop measuring yourself against your adequacy standard. Instead, live in a judgment-free zone. This is a space where you may laugh and have fun without worry. Where you can express yourself freely and learn as you go. Where your natural intelligence and wisdom are obvious, your values are present, and your personality is authentic and appreciated.
Where is this sunny place in your life? It does exist, perhaps in some neglected state. Try these methods to inhabit it more frequently.
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Remember you’re human. Just like everyone else, you’re flawed. You’ll make mistakes as an employee, friend, parent, and partner. You’ll eat a few too many cookies or waste a bit of time. Fortunately, the impact of your mistakes typically diminishes over time, fading from memory. So remember that you are human. Remember the times that, in spite of your flawed nature, you have met challenges in the face of obstacles. In that sense, you’re actually quite remarkable in your abilities.
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Practice loving kindness. Loving kindness is a Buddhist concept and form of unconditional love that can be cultivated through meditation. It involves showing compassion first towards oneself, then towards loved ones, friends, teachers, strangers, enemies, and finally towards all sentient beings. A person can resolve concerns about one’s own self worth by beginning to see the inherent worth of all beings. Passing judgment on oneself or others becomes completely irrelevant.
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Identify an unmet need. When you find that you are judging yourself, ask yourself what need is not being met at the moment. Notice any strong emotion that accompanies the need. You might feel angry because of an unmet need to be understood, lonely due to an unmet need for community, or scared because of an unmet need for security. Learn to identify your dominant emotion, uncover the need behind it, and explore ways to initiate filling that need. Try reading Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication: A Language for Life to hone your skills in this area.
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Replace anxiety with curiosity. You may become anxious when you try something new or become entangled in an uncomfortable situation. Rather than make judgments about the situation, try becoming curious about what might happen if you try a specific approach or action. For example, if you are in the midst of a tense discussion during a meeting at work, try asking yourself, “I wonder what would happen if I lower my voice when I speak?” or “I wonder how Jane will respond if I simply acknowledge her point of view more explicitly?” Becoming curious allows you to function a bit better in an unstable, unpredictable environment and try out new strategies without feeling vulnerable.
The act of judging requires energy. Anticipation of judgment can also hold your emotions hostage. Learn to live free of judgment and enjoy a renewed sense of spaciousness and freedom. You’ll thrive in this sunny place.
