I stood there exhausted, urgently posing for photos with my climbing friend Tim and guide Muhamud. Piercing, 20-mph winds—winds made colder as they swept over a nearby glacier—buffeted my oxygen-deprived body. My head had space for only two thoughts: “Take in this sunrise. You’ll never see anything like it again.” and “How do I get out of this wind?”
I traveled to Tanzania alone to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, joining three other Americans whom I had not met prior to the trip. Only two of us made it to the summit, after throwing up and staggering around quite a bit. Actually, I did those things.
I had wanted to bring a group with me, perhaps friends or triathletes in my club back in Milwaukee. No one had the time or money to commit to it. So the winter prior to the trip, I made the challenging decision to go on my own. Once I bought the plane ticket and it was too late to turn back, I was thrilled!
Seven months later, as other suburban families were packing cars and suitcases to go on summer vacations, I swung a bulging backpack onto my back, got a ride to the airport, and left the country. At age 40, divorced with a mortgage, obligations, and two kids, I embraced the uncertainty of a two-week adventure designed for my enjoyment and sense of achievement alone.
When I got back home, the house was still standing, neither of my children was missing, and no one had reported me to authorities for being a bad mother or for being selfish.
Bottom line: My decision and subsequent actions had little to no effect on anyone. No one felt let down, abandoned, or jealous. I came back fully functioning and ready to resume my normal life. The only difference was: I was a more evolved person.
Take a chance, Explore
We’re not all wired for adventure. At the same time, we often get stuck in a rut, where no one thrives, either. To remedy this, we often seek out new situations—Halloween parties, new movies, sunsets on a Hawaiian beach—to bring some variety into our lives. The question becomes: Is it working for us? How much new territory does an individual need to cover in order to thrive? And are we willing to embrace the uncertainty that comes with the territory?
We are predisposed as a species to avoid uncertainty. As psychologists wrote in a 2009 article I keep on hand and use in seminars:
Avoiding the new and unfamiliar allows us to survive. But those same events might offer knowledge, wisdom, and opportunities that can improve the quality and longevity of our lives… Curiosity and exploration are essential to learn how to adapt to changing situational demands and capitalize on growth opportunities. (Silvia and Kashdan, 2009, p. 785).
Women in particular need to continue to explore throughout their lives in order to feel alert and vital.
Ditch some duties, Free up time
Have you ever noticed that June Cleaver, from the 50’s show Leave It To Beaver, never left the house? She was tightly bound to a prescribed, societal role. In all the roles we play, whether male or female, we habitually perform tasks that drain us of energy and perhaps aren’t entirely necessary. If we want to take time to explore new things, we need exactly that: time.
I once respectfully asked a group of moms to omit me from a rotation of duties to bring post-game snacks to our children's soccer games. I simply thought it was an unnecessary stressor and a poor use of my time. Rather than run on auto pilot, we can each stop and ask ourselves, “What am I tolerating that I can fix or leave behind?” Free up time to explore. Ditch some of that racing around.
Healthy boundaries aren’t selfish
If women have done one thing to hinder our own growth, it’s believing that acting in our own interest is selfish. Spending time and energy on ourselves is healthy. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries around our time and energy is vitally important, or we end up in a rut, watching others benefit from our support and fulfillment of obligations. Learning to say “no” creates the space we each need to slow down, listen to our own wisdom, and evolve.
We can learn to say "no" to the overload and "yes" to ourselves. Try it on for size.
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Cited Source
Silvia, P. & Kashdan, K (2009). Interesting things and curious people: Exploration and engagment as transient states and enduring strengths. Social and Personality Compass, 3/5, 785-797.
