We all have our own internal compass and values that influence how we choose to live our lives. We also have external influences that play a role in our decisions, including cultural and family expectations, religious guidelines, and community standards. Some influences we embrace and others we disregard, based on whether they resonate with our values.
So what happens when a person adopts a stance or behavior because they feel they “should?” The person acts in a way that appears to be by choice, but really, the person is forcing themselves to engage in the behavior. The individual isn’t personally invested - there’s no internal belief consistent with the behavior. Some external influence is at play .
Lasting personal change and growth are only possible when we fully see our values embedded in our behavior.
So how can you get out of this “should” trap? Ask yourself these questions.
1. “Do I truly want to do this?” If the answer is no, then you probably don’t currently sense personal values associated with the behavior in question.Example 1: I was invited to go backpacking with my friends, but I should stay home and focus on my kids.
Sample answers to “Do I truly want to do this?” include:
Yes, I want to stay home and fulfill my role as a parent because I value spending as much time as possible with my kids. Or no, I really want to go on a hiking adventure and I don’t see how taking a week off from my kids will harm the relationship.
Example 2: I should buy my son this optional $40 soccer team sweatshirt because all the other parents of team members are buying one.
Sample answers to “Do I truly want to do this?” include:
Yes, it builds a sense of unity and I value this. Or no, I think it’s a waste of money.
2. “What is it that I want to do?” Is there any part of the equation that does ring true to you?
Example 1: I want to be a good parent and also take care of myself with a vacation.
Example 2: I want my son to enjoy playing soccer and make good friends.
3. “How can I act on what I want?” Explore courses of action that allow you to act in accordance with your internal compass and values.
Example 1: I devote a lot of time to parenting and know that I do a good job. I will not deprive the kids of anything if I go away for a week.
Example 2: I can continue to support my son in soccer and will encourage him to invite his friends over to our house. I can choose not to purchase another sweatshirt and use that money towards snacks and pizzas.
The responses in the examples may be different than those you would choose. The important thing is to realize that it’s a choice. Our responses are choices. We can choose to let shoulds dominate our decisions or we can examine the expectation we’ve created or that others have created, determine whether it reflects a value we hold, and then make an informed decision about how to respond.
Live your life how you want to live it. Fifty years after you’re gone, no one’s going to care about the choices you made as long as you didn’t hurt someone in the process. Heck, they may not be concerned now. Put away the guilt and enjoy what you personally value. And if you find it challenging, call a coach for support.
